Parenting Classes

Parenting Class Reviews

By John Swanson

Children don't come with instruction manuals and parenting doesn't come with a manual or an infallible guide. Every situation and family is unique. We as individuals are different. There are different parenting styles and variations. To provide training and education that is universal, it has to be based on fundamentals which make us all similar. This would be human psychology, human behavior, and decades of scientific research and studies. Without training or education, we parent with instinct and our personal experiences. Maybe what we learned (consciously and subconsciously) from our parents, family members or others. We parent around our beliefs, morals, and values. Even with training and education in parenting, we need to be naturally adaptive, resourceful, and improvisational. Proper parenting training and education provides a foundation of knowledge which we can build off of, making it easier and more efficient to use our natural parenting instincts and skills.

Parenting is something that cannot be perfected. We can be passionate about it and do the best possible job that we can. It is the most fruitful investment because it is for the benefit of our children and our relationship with our children. When we are passionate about something or are motivated because it's something that is important to us, we seek knowledge to be as proficient as possible. We educate ourselves by learning from sources which have the best and most comprehensive information on what we are passionate about.

There are many books and programs dealing with all kinds of parenting information and solutions. Some parents look for information on only one parenting topic, such as a certain problem they are having with their child. What they may not know is that a parenting class can provide them with the information and solutions to the problem, as well as a lot of other parenting information and solutions to other problems that may arise. Even further, a parenting class can help them to be an all around skilled parent. It can even help them prevent other problems, saving them valuable time. While it is fine to gain additional knowledge on a certain parenting topics, it is important to have the all around parenting knowledge.

Parenting classes provide an all-around general knowledge of many different aspects of parenting. Parenting classes have to be the best way to acquire comprehensive and all-around knowledge having to do with parenting. The topics and lessons taught in most parenting classes focus on the big picture and the foundation of parenting. Parenting classes are based on scientific research relating to parenting. Parenting classes are designed by this extensive body of knowledge that took decades of studies and research to attain. Of course, people will continue to research this.

There are many theories on the right and wrong ways to parent children, but we have to remember that some theories have been researched and tested by generations of highly educated and skilled scientists and professionals. This body of knowledge is reflected in parenting classes.

It was said that children and parenting your children doesn't come with a manual, but one of the best "parenting manuals" would be a parenting class. Whether you are a new parent or have been a parent, you can benefit from the information offered in parenting classes.

Some parents are court ordered to take a parenting class, or a co-parenting class in divorce or separation situations. This shows that legal professionals view parenting classes as a good and credible source for parenting education. Whether you have to take a parenting class, or just want to improve your parenting skills, online parenting classes are perfect.

Online parenting classes can be done in the privacy of your own home, at your own pace, at any time of day, and around your schedule. They are very affordable and very convenient. The lessons and topics in these parenting classes are practical, easy to understand, and very educational. You can only gain from the experience.

Our children are more valuable and important than anything else, so any knowledge involving them or raising them should be considered valuable and important. We all want to raise our children to grow into strong, loving, and responsible adults. Good parenting benefits parents and children, and the benefits can last a lifetime. Improving our parenting skills and investing in our children are the best investments that we could ever make.

So, hold good parenting and education as high values, take a parenting class, spread the word, and

We at parenting resources and reviews selected a few of the best online parenting classes available. For your convenience and general information, we provided overviews of the lessons and topics covered in these parenting classes, and some of the company website's beneficial features. We also provided reviews of these selected classes. These overviews and reviews will help you make a more informed decision, and help you select the parenting class that is right for you.

Happy parenting!


Real Also About Parental Alienation Syndrome
Real Also About Why Parents Should Put Children Before Marriage
Real Also About Parenting Tips For Healthy, Effective Parenting
Real Also About Child Support law
Real Also About Parenting Advice

Parental Alienation Syndrome

How to Counter Its Three Levels of Parental Alienation


Parental Alienation; the programming of a child by a parent to turn the child against the other parent has three levels of alienation mild, moderate, and severe. As the alienation increases the negative behavior of the children towards the targeted parent also increases. The percentage of children having access and parenting time (visitation) with the alienated parent decreases.

In a case study of thirty highly conflicted divorce and custody cases, submitted by the courts involving fifty nine children was evaluated to determine the existence of Parental Alienation Syndrome. This is when the child aligns with the alienating parent, adopts their views, joins in the defaming of the target parent and rejects that parent citing frivolous and irrational reasoning. Countering Parental Alienation Syndrome will take the knowledge of Parental Alienation and finesse.

This must be confronted to increase the chances for the target parent in reuniting and maintaining a meaningful relationship with their children. Janelle Burrill compiled, analyzed and evaluated the data for one year (2000-2001) from the cases that were submitted from a two year period (1998-2000). In the study twenty two children were listed under the mild alienation category, seventeen in the moderate category, and twenty in the severe.

The children listed under the mild alienation category show that eighty two percent of them expressed affection for the targeted parent. None of them had any anger towards or denigrated (disrespect and reject) the parent. Ninety five percent had parenting-time with the target. With mild alienation there is some cynicism of the target parent. This generally arises from a persons lack of restraint in making negative remarks about the target. They tend to react in this manner when they are hurt, angry, and feel personally attacked. For example, when parents first separate mom is feeling anxious and will implicitly convey to the children that their father is a bad person suggesting that it is not safe to be with him. She may say something to the effect of, "If you get scared or are not having fun call me right away and I will come and get you and bring you home."

Dad may say something like, "Remember to tell your mother that you want to spend more time with me," Suggesting that their mom is trying to separate them from each other. Generally, this behavior from the parents is done so they can look like they are the better parent to be with and that something is wrong with the other one.

In the scenario with mom the children start to question if they are safe to be with their father. With dad they can start to believe their mother is trying to estrange them from their dad. Usually when you point out the alienation to the alienating parent they feel ashamed that their behavior is negatively affecting the children and that they did not have enough self-control to refrain from distributing alienation.

Parents and children in this category normally have a good relationship. The parents who hands out the alienation usually are unaware they are doing it. It is a behavior that has not been addressed so it can be corrected. These parents are usually willing to modify their behavior to benefit the children. The recognizable denigration traits in mild alienation are sighing in disapproval, rolling the eyes in contempt, ignoring, disrespect, snide or sarcastic remarks, and defaming the target parent. To defuse the alienation explain to the children why people will make those kinds of gestures and bad-mouth another person. Let them know it comes from when they feel disrespected, rejected, hurt by a person, and that they lack self-control and respond in undesirable ways to validate themselves.

In the moderate alienation category the percentage of children who had parenting-time with the target parent drops significantly from ninety five percent down to sixty five percent. The same percentage of children also expressed affection for the target parent with fifty nine percent of them expressing anger towards the target and joining in the denigration of that parent.

With moderate alienation the alienating parents have difficulty keeping their composer when thing do not go their way or feel threatened. Like the belief their counterpart is trying to take the children away from them. They will increase the alienation when their anxiety escalates in an effort to keep what they perceive is rightfully theirs. When they lose control they go ballistic disregarding appropriate boundaries, including the fear their behavior produces in the children.

When, they calm down the alienating parent has a hard time taking responsibility for their actions. But, there is hope. Some of these parents in this category can be persuaded to develop their self-control with anger management, therapy, and parenting classes. These parents love their children and want to be a good parent and be viewed as one. But rarely will they volunteer to get help. They blame the other parent for their problems and believe the other parent is the problem.

If they do not modify their behavior then the only remedy is to get a court order for therapy and treatment. With moderately alienated children are hesitant to spend time with the target parent. They have some fear of the target parent due to the alienating parents repeatedly defaming the target in an effort to get the children to get to accept their views about the target parent and to align with them.

To remedy this level of alienation with the children there needs to be an environment where they feel safe and comfortable with the target parent. A therapist can arrange to provide for this. The parent then need to listen to the children without being judgmental, empathize with their feeling, acknowledge their concerns, and let them know the conflict is between the parents and they do not have to choose either parents side. They should not have to reject one parent to please the other parent. They should be able to love both without having a loyalty conflict.

Bring to the attention of the alienating parent the harmful effects the alienation is having on the children because they are conflicted on how to please both parents without displeasing either one of them. Moderate alienation ascends from emotional charged events. The parent feels they have been wronged and react destructively. Afterwards they are embarrassed of their behavior and might be willing to work on not involving the children to even the score for the wrong they believe was done to them. If there is unsatisfactory improvement and willingness on the part of the alienating parent in correcting their behavior, which is often the case, the target will need to get a court order for family counseling and treatment.

In the severe alienation category forty five percent of the children expressed affection for the target parent, ninety percent had anger towards the target, and sixty percent join in the denigration of the parent. Only fifteen percent of the children had any parenting-time with the target parent. With severe alienation there are no-holds-barred attacks on the targets character and the alienator is obsessed with destroying the relationship the children has with the target parent to inflict emotional pain on the target. Because they have deep-rooted distorted beliefs about the target parent and operate from a delusional system of thinking they are hindered from listening to reason.

There is no effective way for treating severe alienation. To minimize the influence of the alienating parent and harm the alienation causes the children is to reduce or remove them from the care of the alienating parent which will take legal intervention. At this level of alienation the children aligns with the alienating parent, adopt their distorted views about the target, and join in the campaign to severe the relationship they have with the target parent. This is where Parental Alienation is transformed into Parental Alienation Syndrome.

A couple of signs of severe alienation are the childrens refusal to participate in parenting-time with the target parent even if it is court order, an automatic alliance with the alienating parent when conflict arises between the parents, and they join in rejecting and defaming the target parent. They back up their claims with weak, frivolous and illogical explanations, and insist that their views are their own and are not influenced by the alienating parent.

The way to counter severe alienation is to obtain a court order for a parenting plan, therapy, and participation in treatment. It is necessary to get the order so the therapist can work with the family to resolve, reduce, or at the very least stymie the alienation. At this level of alienation the alienating parent objective is to hurt the target parent by any means including using the children.

The children need to be shown that they have been exposed to the alienation, participated in the denigration, and how it negatively affects the relationship they have with the target parent. Once the cause of the children's alienation from a parent is identified then an expert mental health professional can provide an appropriate treatment plan to reunite the parent and children.


Real Also About Why Parents Should Put Children Before Marriage
Real Also About Parenting Tips For Healthy, Effective Parenting
Real Also About Child Support law
Real Also About Parenting Advice
Real Also About Three Parenting Style

Why Parents Should Put Children Before Marriage

By Stephen Rees


We live in an age when love, sex and intimacy seem to be many people's epitome of happiness. Yes, we seek other ways to find happiness and fulfillment, but the rate of divorce and the percentage of single parent families compared with two-parent families tells me that parenting is either of less importance to parents than marriage or that they are uninformed about the effects of divorce on their children. Parents who leave an unhappy marriage for the sake of their children are not in possession of all the facts or are misguided in their belief that divorce is in the best interest of the children. The best wisdom out there says that children of divorce suffer more than children of unhappy marriages.

Here are 7 reasons why parents should put parenting before marriage.

1. Children need two parents more than they need a perfect home

The influence of both a male and female parent on a child's development cannot be understated. A good mother, on balance brings a nurturing, protecting and comforting aspect to a child's life, while a good father brings his child stability, security and strength. Mothers tend to be more emotional, fathers more rational. Mothers tend to be more understanding, fathers more decisive. A good mother may offer her child a shoulder to cry on while a good father may show his child how to get up and move on.

Of course, a good parent possesses all these qualities and shares the responsibility for providing their child with all their needs. But it is in the nature of a male parent to provide a child with answers and solutions and direction while it is more inherent in a female parent to be protective of a child's emotional well-being and to be a good listener without feeling the need to give her child a logical solution to their problem.

Having both a male and female parent present in the home teaches a child how to explore and develop both the masculine and feminine aspects of their own character. In balanced adults there is a healthy presence of both male and female characteristics. In women, the balance will tend to be more feminine and in men, more masculine. If a child is to have the best chance to develop emotional stability then two parents are needed on a daily basis. Even the slightest change in the balance will have an adverse effect on a child's emotional and intellectual development.

2. A child has a right to be brought up by two parents

Marriage is a choice that two people make for themselves. It is rarely a selfless or altruistic act. People marry because they find someone who brings them happiness and fulfilment in life. Of course, there is also the promise to live to make the other person happy. Even though the phrase "for better or for worse" is still often said in the marriage vows, more and more this promise is being broken as married couples find it's a promise they are unable or unwilling to keep.

However, when a child is born into the marriage, it has rights which far outweigh the needs of the parents. Even though a couple desire to be fulfilled in their personal relationship with each other, a child has the right to be brought up by two loving, caring, selfless parents: parents who put their child's interests before their own.

Parents rarely make a commitment to their children when they are born, but children ought to expect that their parents will do whatever it takes to give them a stable, loving home in which to grow and develop. In a good parent, the rights and needs of their child will always come before their own, whatever the cost to themselves.

3. To be a parent is a moral obligation - not a choice

There is never a time as long as a parent and a child are living when they will not be connected. Even if estranged, a parent will always be the parent to their child. There is no divorcing a child. There is no saying to a child 'I'm sorry, I don't love you anymore, this simply isn't going to work'. But when two parents say that to each other, they are in some measure saying it to their child. Parents may put a spin on divorce by saying to the child 'it's better for you in the long run' but the truth is - it isn't. A child's perspective will be 'you don't love me enough to stay together and make your marriage work' - even if only subconsciously. While some may say 'I'm glad my parents split up - I couldn't stand the shouting', what would they have said if their parents had found a way to make the marriage work in order to keep the family home together? Or are they even aware of the effects that growing up in a broken home has had on them?

The love between a husband and wife can wane or even be extinguished, but the love of a good parent is unconditional and unmovable. A marriage can breakdown and be dissolved, but the love that a good parent has for their child can never be diminished and their commitment to their child can never be undermined or broken. The commitment that a parent has to their child is not one based on choice, it's one based on moral obligation. It would be even better if it were based on unconditional love. What lengths would a good parent go to to provide their child with the very best upbringing they could if they truly loved them more than themselves?

4. A child deserves and expects it

During their formative years, children depend upon both parents to show that they are committed to them. They need to see that they are loved and to know that their home is stable and secure. They need to know that no matter what storms the family has to face together, the foundations of the family home cannot be shaken. Children need the certainty that the love their parents have for them comes above their own personal happiness - that it indeed comes before their love for each other. When a parent puts a child's interests second to their own it will make their child feel unloved and second-rate. The child will begin to doubt their own worth and their value to the parent. After all, what kind of love puts someone else second?

If a child doesn't deserve a parent's unconditional and undying love then who does? Children are vulnerable and need protecting. Parents have a responsibility to give their child the best parenting they possibly can whatever the cost to themselves. A child has no reserves on which to draw to cover the emotional shortfall which results from growing up in a broken home. Parents, on the other hand should be prepared to go into emotional debt if they have to in order to make sure their child does not grow up emotionally poor or crippled.

5. Spouses can expect too much from each other, but children never expect too much from their parents.

Marriages are not perfect, neither are parent-child relationships. But a child deserves understanding, provision, support, affection, and security moreso than a spouse. After all, when two people get married, they make an agreement to love each other and provide for each other's needs. When a child is born, no such agreement takes place. A child simply grows up expecting all that's coming to them. When one person in a marriage fails to uphold their part of the agreement, the other has every right to withdraw their own part of the agreement. So often, when the love that one has for the other depends on what they 'get' out of the relationship, if they ain't 'getting' then the love dies. But this only works one way with a child-parent relationship.

When a child fails to be a perfect child, a parent cannot abandon them or withdraw their love from them. The child still has the right to expect to be loved unconditionally. Children owe nothing to their parents, but parents owe everything to their children. If a child fails to love a parent as they would like to be loved, the parent must go on loving their child nonetheless. The child has no debt of love to pay to the parent. But if a parent loves their child unconditionally, that child will grow up to love their parent too. If a parent fails to love their child more than themselves, the child will withdraw from the parent to a greater or lesser degree.

Even though good parents will fail their child in some measure, a child's expectations of the parents are always right - even if unrealistic. Good parents will always understand that they are not married to their child - they are inextricably connected and committed to their child and that a child has a birthright to expect unreserved love and commitment from their parents regardless of how much a child returns their parents' affections or lives up to their expectations.

6. A broken home results in a broken child

Somewhere along the way, when a child is brought up by one parent or by two parents who live apart, something in the child is lost or broken. Having two parents who could not find it in themselves to stay together to give them a stable home will have a detrimental effect on a child. It may not emerge till later in life, but a person from a broken home may find it difficult to make strong emotional connections with others. Statistics show that people from single-parent homes are less successful in life - even years afterwards - than those from two-parent families.

While parents may argue that they split up for the child's sake, in actuality, it's rare that divorce ever benefits a child. Growing up in a home even where parents are disconnected or in constant disagreement gives a child more stability and normality than growing up where they have to deal with the loss of the two-parent home. A child growing up in a broken home grows up grieving for the intact home where two parents are available on a daily basis to provide them with the moral, emotional and intellectual support essential to their development and nourishment. The best parenting cannot be done over the telephone or on weekends. The best parenting is done on a daily basis and in partnership with the other parent. No matter how parents try to justify divorce, it will nearly always result in a broken child.

7. Putting parenting first may save a marriage

Children should never be used as an excuse not to leave a marriage, but they can be the reason why a parent would stay in a marriage. The difference is that if a parent knows that to provide their child with a stable, loving and peaceful home in which to grow up will give them the best possible start in life, it may give them the resolve they need to work harder at their marriage than if they had not been a parent. Whereas, not leaving a marriage for the sake of a child is a mindset which can result in a parent putting too much responsibility on their child to bring them personal happiness.

If parents can proactively take steps to make a marriage workable so that their child has the home they deserve, they may find that their marriage becomes less of a disappointment. Focusing on the needs of their child and resolving to work at their relationship for the sake of their child doesn't necessarily mean that the marriage is false or a sham. It merely shifts the priorities of the marriage. Nor does it mean that the child carries the burden of keeping the marriage together. It merely requires a level of giving to the child that supercedes the parents' desire to take from each other. Providing a child with a good home is one of the best reasons two people can stay together.

Who said that romance or sex or a great social life are the only reasons to be married? Surely, providing a child with a loving home is as good, if not, a better reason for working at a marriage than all the others put together? The result of working at the marriage wouldn't be to prevent the pain of separation for the parents, it would be the enduring and immeasurable investment that they make in the well-being and personal development of their child. If parents can keep their child the focus of their ambitions and desires, they can find ways they otherwise wouldn't have done to make their marriage workable and as enjoyable as possible and thus provide their child with the parents and the home they deserve.



Real Also About Parenting Tips For Healthy, Effective Parenting
Real Also About Child Support law
Real Also About Parenting Advice
Real Also About Three Parenting Style
Real Also About Parental Alienation

Parenting Tips For Healthy, Effective Parenting

By Marty Wolner


Many parents are hungry for healthy parenting tips and effective parenting advice. The Responsible Kids Network offers parenting tips to encourage and support authoritative parenting.

I did not expect parenting to be so hard

New parents may be unprepared for the exhilarating, yet exhausting, journey that lies ahead in parenting. It's important for all parents to realize that just because a person is able to procreate, doesn't naturally provide the patience and knowledge needed to be an effective and healthy parent. Gaining knowledge about the nature of children and healthy and effective parenting styles, will help parents to be calmer and empower parents to be more effective in raising responsible kids.

I am hoping to parent differently than I was parented

Many times a parent may be aware of times that didn't go so smoothly in his or her own childhood and wish to parent differently once he or she has children. At all ages and stages of our children's lives, we may remember back to how our parents may have reacted in similar situations. Prior generations did not have the information that we now have available about healthy parenting. But family loyalties and legacies in each of our families has shown to significantly impact our parenting.

I am nice to my child but then he misbehaves

Parents and other caregivers sometimes hope that if they act nicely to a child, the child will act nicely in return. This is referred to as the "strings attached" approach. Adults (and some older children) can relate to the concept of fair giving and receiving, but most children are not mature enough to respond this way. By expecting this level of maturity, a parent is being unfair to a child. The executive role of parenting cannot be done through love and understanding alone. Effective discipline promotes self esteem, self-respect, self-control and preserves a positive parent-child relationship.

Am I a bad parent when I get angry with my child?

Anger is a natural and inevitable emotion and it's okay to feel angry with a child. The key is for parents to learn healthy ways to express angry feelings to a child. Anger is usually a secondary emotion, so figuring out what the underlying feelings may be (frustration, disappointment, embarrassment, etc.) can be helpful in managing how to express anger. At these emotionally charged times, parents are role-modeling for a child how to handle anger.

My child and I are so different and we're always clashing

The make-up of who a child is consists of ages and stages of development, uniqueness, maturity level, and situational factors. The uniqueness of a child (or any person)includes the individual nature of temperament, intelligences, brain dominance, giftedness, and learning styles. If these unique traits of a child do not "match" the unique traits of a parent, then there may not be "goodness to fit" and power struggles and miscommunication may result. When a parent is able to better understand these unique traits in a child, and how it may differ (i.e. conflict) with his or her own unique traits, the parent becomes calmer and more confident in parenting.

Is it okay to spank my child?

Spanking, and other forms of corporal punishment, is not a healthy or effective way to discipline children. The goal of discipline is to teach children proper behavior and self-control. Spanking may teach children to stop doing something out of fear. Despite some underlying attitudes and beliefs that spanking is an effective way to discipline children, extensive research strongly indicates any form of corporal punishment will negatively impact a child's self esteem and the relationship between parent and child.

My spouse and I don't have the same style of parenting

Reconciling different parenting styles may be a challenge for many spouses. Consistent messages from parents to children is a key element of healthy and effective parenting. Many times when we court and marry our spouse, we have not even thought about parenting styles, and then we have children and parenting style differences may suddenly surface. Parents should take time when children are not present to work on a consistent "parenting philosophy" that can accept and even honor different parenting styles. Working together, rather than against each other, will help support and nurture responsible kids.

How can I be a good parent?

A healthy and effective parent is an intentional parent, who understands a child's needs. There are no "perfect parents" just as there are no "perfect children." Striving for perfection in all areas of parenting can only cause frustration and stress. Parents are given numerous chances each and every day to provide healthy authoritative parenting for their kids.

Show your love. Tell your kids you love them every day by sending messages of "I believe in you, I trust you, I know you can handle life situations, you are listened to, you are cared for, and you are very important to me."

Be consistent. Your rules don't have to be the same ones other parents have, but they do need to be clear and consistent. (Consistent means the rules are the same all the time, and followed by all family members.) Establish a "parenting philosophy" with your spouse.

Prioritize your relationship with your child. Building a strong relationship with your child should be top priority, and when communicating with a child, it's most effective to remember to preserve the strength of the bond. The importance of strong, healthy bonds between parent and child cannot be overstated, because these bonds serve as the foundation upon which all other life relationships are formed.

Listen to your child. Active listening is the greatest gift to a child. Learn to accept, although not necessarily agree with, what your child is saying. Temporarily put aside your own thoughts and values and show empathy when listening to a child, trying diligently to see things from his or her perspective.

Strive for an emotional connection with your child. Understanding your child's emotions will help you understand what motivates his or her behavior. Emotions are the real fuel of power struggles with your kids. When you identify those emotions, you can choose strategies to teach your child what he or she may be feeling and how to respond to those feelings in a more appropriate way.

Evaluate the behavior, not the child. Be intentional about self-esteem building and address misbehavior directly, rather than through evaluating the child. It's better to say "I see you're having trouble sharing with your friend," rather than "Don't be selfish, you need to share.


Real Also About Child Support law
Real Also About Parenting Advice
Real Also About Three Parenting Style
Real Also About Parental Alienation
Real Also About Parenting Resource

Are Child Support Laws Equitable and Fair For Both Parents?

By Dawnette Lounds-Culp

I know that this article as well as this subject is going to touch the chord of so many people both positive and negative, both mothers and fathers. I recently posed a question to both men and women and to my astonishment; both favored and concurred with it. So, what is it? Child support! Did you know that child support is determined on the income of the noncustodial parent? Yes, I'm sure most of you know that. However, do most of you agree that child support laws are antiquated and biased and needs to be changed?

If support payment is based on a noncustodial parent income, then what happens to the excess of the money that is received by the custodial parent once the child's needs are taken care of? Most noncustodial parents want accountability for the payments received. I concur. During the divorce process, both parties are required to present a financial affidavit outlining all their expenses, assets and their income. Why then shouldn't custodial parents outline the monthly expenses of the child or children and present that to establish support payment? If it takes only $500 for a child's monthly expenses and the custodial parent receives $1200, then the remaining $700 is custodial support. Doesn't seem fair does it? The question that was presented to both men and women was should custodial parents be accountable for the child support payment they receive?

Child support laws have changed in many states to include the income of both parents, however, it needs to be changed nationwide for child support to be based on the expenses of each child. Most noncustodial parents would then stop evading child support and those that are reluctant to pay child support will pay child support because it will be based on the expenses and needs of the child. In order to make child support fair to both parents, this small change can be easily implemented when establishing the child support order.

Christy is pregnant by her ex-boyfriend and she came to my office for advice on how to proceed with her relationship with the father of her child. She was initially quite angry and disappointed but elated that she was having a baby. She did not want the father involved with the unborn baby and wanted to do it all by herself. I thought how selfish, but I explained to her that her baby would benefit by having both parents involved in his/her life. In another session, we discuss how much child support she should receive. I asked her to write down all the expenses she would incur from having the baby as well as the budget monthly for caring for the baby. She brought the expenses during a follow-up session and I suggested that is the amount you ask for child support and present the father with the budget. When she came back, her relationship with the father had taken a positive turn. Christy informed me that he was relieved that she was fair and equitable in deciding on the financial responsibility of raising their child.

However, the face of child support is changing. Statistic shows that 85% of custodial parents are mothers and 15% are fathers. The fasting growing segment/population of parents are fathers. More and more fathers are fighting for custody and in today's changing world; more fathers are getting custody of their children.

This is the perfect place to introduce Denise. Denise contacted me last year when her husband, of whom she was separated from, kept her two children when they visited him for the summer. She wanted to know her rights and the rights of her husband. What I told her shocked her. No parent actually has custody of their children unless it is outlined and determined in a divorce decree or in other documentation signed by both parents. I suggested to Denise that when the children come back for the Christmas holiday she could keep the children with her. However, I also suggested that she should have a candid conversation with her children to see where they prefer to live, with mommy or daddy.

At Christmas her two children came to visit, however, Denise did not take my advice. The children went back after the holiday to their father. During her divorce hearing in the following spring, and when the issue of custody was presented, the judge asked, "if you wanted the children with you, why didn't you keep them when they came to visit?" He continued to say, "if you didn't think the father was doing a good job with the children, why did you allow them to stay with him for so long." Denise called me after the hearing and informed me that the father was awarded custody and she should have listened to me.

Denise is not the only mother I know that doesn't have custody of their children and is the noncustodial parent. I have several mothers that I consult that are noncustodial parents. What happens when mothers are noncustodial parents? Do they have to pay the percentage outlined in child support laws? The answer is yes. What I've seen when mothers are noncustodial parents are fathers are more lenient to mothers paying child support and seldom demand that they pay the amount outlined in child support laws. This is the case for Denise. She only pays a small amount per month to the father for the care of her two children.

After seeing a trend in the way fathers who are custodial parents allow the mothers who are noncustodial parents to pay a smaller amount from the norm, it got me to thinking, why are so many mothers, who are custodial parents demanding noncustodial parents to pay a percentage of their income when in most cases that amount greatly exceed the need of the child or children.

I'm hoping that the laws will change in the future to allow custodial parents to outline the monthly expenses of their child or children when faced with child support. More noncustodial parents will stop evading paying child support and more will spend quality time with their children. Since 1975, over $100 billion is owed in unpaid child support. Of the amount owed, 70% of the noncustodial parents make less than $10,000 annually. The figure continues to grow because of the economy and the high number unemployment rate because of the amount of people being laid off. However, if both parents are working together for the same goals, and those goals are to love, provide, protect, be their physically, emotionally, and spiritually for our children, we are providing the best for our children.

When noncustodial parents pay child support, they are more likely to be involved and spend quality time with their children. Statistic shows that when both mother and father are actively involved in their children' lives, the children do better in school, more likely to go to college, less likely to be involved in drugs, less likely to get pregnant, and less likely to be involved in gangs and violence. It starts with noncustodial parents being treated fairly when it comes to child support. After all it is "child support" not "custodial parent" support. Let's work together to change the laws as it pertains to the monthly amount noncustodial parents pay for child support. You can start by contacting and writing your Senator or State Representative asking them to change the laws and make child support based on the monthly financial needs and expenses of the child or children. We can make a difference and we can strengthen families.

A child needs both parents involved in their life. When one parent abuses or misuses the other parent, a great amount of strain is placed on the relationship. The parent who is absent from the home, the noncustodial parent, will feel resentment and most likely stay away, even at the sacrifice of not seeing his/her child or children. I hear it time and time again from noncustodial parent and in most of my sessions with custodial parents; I communicate the frustrations and desires of noncustodial parents. Some times my message is positively received and other times the emotions of the custodial parents and noncustodial parents perpetuate a great division between both parents. I strongly believe that if most custodial parents appreciated and respected noncustodial parents many dilemmas between the two parents could be greatly avoided. Also, by no means am I taking away the responsibilities of noncustodial parents, what I see daily are the opportunities being taken away from noncustodial parents.

When one parent is no longer living in the same household with the other parent and children, a child support battle ensues. It can be made easier with less emotion and with both parents satisfied with the process if the actual expenses of the child or children are taken into consideration. All noncustodial parents will know exactly where the money is being spent and that child support payments are being accounted for. Parenthood is an opportunity and responsibility. So many times one parent takes that away from the other parent. We as parents can make a difference in the lives of our children by providing the best for them. The best for them is both parents actively participating and involved in our children lives and both parents wanting and providing the best for our children. What a wonderful world this would be.

Here are some suggestions to move more towards an amicable relationship with the other parent.

o Decide that your child's or children' best interest is the most important aspect of the relationship with both parents.

o Write a budget for each child. Make a list of all the expenses that is involved with the monthly care and needs of each child.

o Start appreciating the other parent and realize that they make a world of difference in the lives of their children.

o Get past the emotional upsets that caused the relationship to go awry. Parenting without the emotional upsets toward the other parent will open up a new relationship between both parents that will ultimately benefit your children.

o Contact your child support office and let them know that the budgeted amount calculated in as mentioned above in the second point is what you want to receive monthly for child support.

o Contact your Senator or State Representative and let them know that child support law need to be based on the expenses of each child and abolish the percentage of income of the noncustodial parent based laws.

o Watch and see the noncustodial parent playing a more important and bigger role in their child's or children' lives.

o Watch and see the difference in your child or children.

o Better yet, watch and see how your life will ultimately change because of letting go of all the hurt, pain, anger, disappointment, frustrations and whatever other emotional baggage that festered inside of you. Your family will completely change for the better.

I hope that these suggestions are received and are acted upon and that overnight your life, your children' lives and the noncustodial life will change for the better. However, we are all human and it make take some longer than others. The most important aspect of change is wanting to change and wanting what's best for not only ourselves, but for those we love. Start with one suggestion and keep adding each day, each week and whenever you're able to move on.

Take my advice because I have played the role of both custodial and noncustodial parent and I feel and have lived the experiences of both. Trust me, my advice will make a world of difference for your children.

The Biggest Parenting Myth

Smacking is Detrimental to Discipline
By Sue Dillicar


When did Smacking become a dirty word?

This is the biggest - and unkindest- myth yet propagated on our generation. A quick sharp smack on the hand has worked for generations and still works for people who are brave enough to do it.

I would argue that a quick comparison between previous generations that used the smack and the current generation quickly reveals the fallacy of that argument. Our parents' generation turned out with ethics, morals, manners and a commonsense approach to life whereas this current generation has, by and large, dubious moral values, few manners and a big sense of entitlement. Of course I am generalising; there are modern families out there doing a fabulous job of raising their children to be moral and polite - kudos to them!

But by and large, parents have been failed by all the advice given by modern 'experts'. The smacking myth has done the most harm for several reasons:

1) it lead to parents not disciplining their children until children were old enough to understand what parents were explaining. In the old days, parents started training their children before they could walk and children already had a basic grounding in manners and obedience by the time they started school!
2) parents started waffling instead of disciplining. They warned their children endlessly and explained endlessly. The result of this was that children started to take their parents less seriously. This led to less respect and awe, vital ingredients in being successful parents of teens.
3) parents discovered that timeouts and other methods were ineffectual and became very frustrated. The result of this was a lot more anger in the home and thus the potential for explosive situations went right up.

The Arguments Against Smacking

There is a lot of hyperbole out there these days about smacking which all boils down to these 4 arguments:

a) smacking leads to child abuse,
b) smacking teaches kids violence,
c) evidence shows that smacking is pointless, and
d) parents can't be trusted to draw the line between discipline and abuse.

1. Smacking leads to child abuse

Organisations make big outcries on a regular basis about the need to outlaw physical discipline and child abuse, but there is very little hard evidence to support their claim. Instead they use sensational claims to bolster their argument and make smacking such an emotive subject that the average parent daren't stand up and defend their right to discipline their children with a smack.

Smacking leads to child abuse and fatalities if parents are dealing with other issues such as poor parenting skills, drugs, alcohol or other deep seated issues. Parents like these are not likely to be deterred by rules against smacking. In fact, I would argue that modern parenting styles actually make it more likely that parents will be driven to anger and frustration and lash out. Old style parenting does not allow for arguing and disobedience so successfully avoided all the daily contentious scenes that so many modern parents have to endure. Modern parents are encouraged to always explain why a child has to follow a rule or why they are being punished. All very well at 2 years but then you find yourself with several older children all demanding to know 'why do I have to do that?'. How very exhausting to have to justify yourself constantly. And that's just one instance! Add all the other bad advice modern parents have been given, and it is not a surprise to find parents lashing out. Understandable but not acceptable. How much better to find an easier, more workable system.

2. Smacking teaches kids violence

With regard to the second point, children are not idiots. They can tell the difference between a sharp smack on the hand or bottom, calmly given, for an offence they committed, and fighting or abuse. I can speak from personal experience that neither myself or any of my siblings grew up with any tendencies to violence and yet we received many smacks on the hand growing up! If a smack is administered calmly without anger or frustration, then a child sees it for what it is - discipline. 'If I break the rules, I get a smack'. They do not fear their parents' anger or wonder what's going to happen, because they know what the consequence will be. They know their parents will not get angry - the only question will be 'am I going to get one smack or two?' Logic will tell you that a smack that stings for a few seconds and makes the point quickly has a huge advantage over endless lecturing, time outs, ignoring, removal of privileges and all the other methods parents try to employ as a substitute for smacking. For most parents, these is not adequate substitutions, just poor second choices.

I have tested this theory out a few times by giving my children a choice between a smack on the hand and some other painless punishment, like no tv. In every case, they have immediately chosen the smack. It is unfair to make a child listen to a parent rant in frustration because they've told their child this rule umpteen times; it is unfair for a child to fear their parent's reaction for having broken a rule; it is unfair to give a child a punishment that last several minutes/hours/day/weeks when you could have just given them a smack and the lesson is over; it is unfair that that the punishment changes from week to week because parents can't keep track of what punishment they imposed. It is unfair that parents are expected to juggle all the possible consequences in their head for each child, when parents today are already feeling embattled and overwhelmed.

Smacking given calmly and consistently teaches a child firm boundaries that he, eventually, will learn to impose on himself. It is not about anger; it is not about hurting your child; it is not even about punishment for wrong doing - it is about teaching your child where their boundaries are. Your child will feel so much more secure and confident when they know exactly where their boundaries are, and the quickest and most effective way to do that is with a smack. It works like a circuit board telling a child 'yes/no' at every turn and allows them to quickly draw a picture of their boundaries in their head.

A smack is not violence and we should not allow interest groups to force us to group it with violence. If a smack is the same as violence, then we would have to put roughhousing with Dad on the carpet in that category too; hey, maybe even Dad's friendly smack on Mom's bottom as he walks by; and while we're at it, all those games children play that involve a whole lot more pain than a simple smack on the hand, like Knuckles. Ouch!

3. Evidence shows that smacking is pointless

Firstly, these results are hugely dependant on how the study was conducted. Did they follow parents who have been using the smack forever or the occasional smacker, or worse, the parent who only smacks in frustration and anger? That would have a big effect on the outcome of the 'research'. So many parents now only use smacking as a last resort when nothing else works where once it was used as a first resort. The result is that it is often delivered in frustration and anger, which invariably defeats the purpose of the lesson. If these are the cases 'researchers' use, then of course it will affect the outcome adversely.

On the other hand, historical and anecdotal evidence shows that smacking as the main tool of discipline has worked beautifully for years, and conversely, the removal of it can be shown to have led to a decline in politeness, respect, values and standards. Why? Because no other effective system has moved in to take its place. Parents have been left with ideas that sound great on paper but ultimately, do not work. Rather like communism - a nice idea that just resulted in chaos.

I only have to look at my own family to see how well smacking can work when used correctly. I remember at 12 years old suddenly realising that my parents had not smacked me in about a year. Indeed, they never smacked me again. They didn't have to - I had imbibed all the lessons on behaviour and respect needed to be an acceptable member of the family and society. It was the same with my 4 siblings - somewhere between 11 and 12, my parents did not have any more occasions to correct them with a smack. Indeed, I can only remember a couple of occasions during the teen years when any punishment needed to be imposed at all.

Isn't this what good parenting should be about? Training your children well so that you are not still repeating the same lessons in the teen years? Those years should be about preparing them for leaving home, about further developing ethics and character, giving them more independence and trust...you certainly shouldn't still be disciplining them about towels on the floor! And the thing was, our family was not unique! Most of our friends were polite, obedient and respectful kids, too.

4. Parents can't be trusted to draw the distinction between discipline and abuse.

Normal well adjusted parents know where to draw the line. They are not trying to hurt their child when they discipline them. Even modern parents who tend to smack in anger or frustration are trying to teach their child 'yes/no', 'right/wrong', 'good/bad'. If we demystified smacking again and taught parents once again to use smacking as the 'first line of defence' instead of the last resort, they would be able to regain control of their family -and themselves- again. It would be seen again as a training tool instead of a punishment.

A look at the people who do cross the line will show other factors at play - bad family backgrounds, drugs, alcohol, even immaturity. Lessons would be far more effective here than banning smacking. Occasionally, you will find a 'normal' parent who snaps and lashes out but I am convinced this would happen far less with an old fashioned approach where parents discipline immediately and train children to be obedient and respectful. These kind of parents are unlikely to find themselves in the middle of an explosive scenario with a rude, argumentative kid.

Summary

In conclusion, a smack has remained popular for so many generations because it is tried and true. A parent has to react instantly to successfully correct a child, and using a smack as discipline allows them to do so. No thinking about appropriate consequences, what did I do last time, did I use the same punishment for their sister, how long should it be for? Just a quick, immediate consequence that lets them know 'wrong choice'. Experts keep trying to lump normal parents with child abusers, which is blatantly wrong and illogical. The average parent is just interested in teaching their children boundaries with the minimum of discipline. A smack is the minimum of disciplines. Modern parenting methods require explaining of decisions, time outs, removal of privileges, appropriate consequences, and so on and so on.

In this modern climate of disapproval, it is hard for parents to cling to the belief that a smack is an appropriate method of discipline. We have parenting groups, psychologists, government organisations all trying to tell us that smacking is not acceptable. Because a few people do abuse their kids, these groups are taking a blanket approach to any form of physical reprimand. Yet none of the reasons given hold true. People who abuse their kids will not stop doing so just because government and other groups say it's wrong! All it is doing is taking a valuable discipline tool away from parents. And unfortunately, a lot of families are floundering as a result.

For when you remove The Smack as a discipline tool, what are you left with? Weak, ineffectual talking and equally weak consequences. The fact that parents are still dealing out 'consequences' well into their children's teen years is proof that it doesn't work. A child that is disciplined consistently and calmly from an early age should have well and truly learned his boundaries and rules of behaviour by the time he is 12. A well disciplined child would not dream of being disrespectful to his parents because the rules of behaviour are deeply entrenched after 12 years of training. Parents can't effectively manage teenagers with physical discipline or even consequences. The basis of their control has to come from the awe and respect children hold for their parents. This is a rare thing today because awe and respect comes from seeing parents in control of their emotions, seeing parents as authority figures who always know what to do, seeing parents as all-knowing and all-wise, seeing parents as the source of laughter, fun, care - and consistent discipline. Modern parenting advice has successfully torpedoed a lot of those opportunities for developing awe and respect.

So what is the solution?

If your child is under 12, it is rather simple.
1) Resolve to never lose your cool again when correcting your children. Become a good actor if you have to. While you are learning to maintain that image of calm, learn to say 'go to your room. I will deal with you later.' When you are calm and in control, administer the discipline.

2) Resolve to use smacking as a first resort, not the last. Tell a child to do something once and only once, whether he is 9 months old (obviously have appropriate expectations. At 9 months, all you are trying to teach is usually 'No, don't touch', etc.) or 9 years. Then calmly go over, repeat 'no' and smack their hand. Use force appropriate to their age. The smack should only be strong enough to sting for about 3-5 seconds.

3) Do not explain, argue or reason with your children. They've usually heard it all before anyway or are too young to understand.

4) Be consistent! This is a very important rule as it is fundamental to teaching your children their boundaries. If you decide you are going to warn once and then smack, always do that. If you don't want to use The Smack, it is still vital to be consistent.

5) If you are starting over with children aged 13 and over, the same rules apply, except you are probably using privileges and consequences. It is usually too late to use smacking as a disciplinary measure. Choose a couple of consequences and be consistent. Write up a chart and group behaviours which will receive the same consequence. This is as much a reminder for you as your child. If your teen tries to argue with you or is disrespectful, send them to the toilet for a timeout. Sounds funny, I know, but it is effective because a) it removes them from the scene so neither of you can get upset, and b) it is so boring that they quickly calm down. Don't allow them to come out until they are calm, apologise and get on with the job given.

Whatever form of discipline you choose, remember that children need to perceive that their parents are in control of their own emotions and impulses. That means, self discipline is even more important than what method of discipline you choose to use.


Real Also About Parenting Advice
Real Also About Three Parenting Style
Real Also About Parental Alienation
Real Also About Parenting Resource
Real Also About Positive Parenting Plan

Parenting Advice

Insensitive Parenting Advice From a Leading Radio Talk Show Host

By Elena Neitlich

Recently, a well-known, national, conservative, radio talk show host had a discussion about parenting coaches. (A parenting coach is a consultant who is hired to discuss and advise parents about how to deal with the many challenges that parents face as they guide their children through childhood.)

Far from being supportive, this radio talk show host suggested that parents were resorting to using parenting coaches because they did not want to spend enough time with their children. She hypothesized that parents wanted a parenting shortcut so that their children could take a back seat to their careers. "Back in the day," she stated, parents just raised their children and their children listened and developed into great people. It was clear from her disparaging comments and her insensitive insights that she is not a mother facing today's challenges.

This commentator, although not particularly sensitive to the feelings of parents, did make one interesting point. Parenting coaches and other supports are a new phenomenon that past generations of parents did not have as a resource.

Why do parents today feel the need for outside assistance?

In an informal survey completed by parents, mothers and fathers expressed great concern about making parenting mistakes.

- "If I don't parent correctly I will cause irreparable damage to my children."

- "If I make the wrong parenting decisions my child will end up on drugs."

- "If I lose my temper my child will never forget it, and hate me forever."

- "If I discipline too harshly I will damage my child psychologically."

Today, with the huge amount of information available to parents, even discussing pediatric health concerns before conception, parents feel an overwhelming responsibility that parents of yesteryear were not burdened with. With access to the internet parents are bombarded with data. From ADHD to potty training, parents are overly informed about all of the issues of parenting. Any small symptom that a child exhibits can be dissected and attributed to a terrible malady.

The massive amount of information that parents take in, much of it contradictory, undermines parent confidence and causes them to second guess their decisions. Parents can feel an undo amount of stress and anxiety resulting from the vast amount of research they now do on parenting issues. Far from looking for shortcuts as the talk show host surmised, parents are hyper-vigilant about getting the parenting job done perfectly and raising happy and successful children. Every decision made is a crucial one that will have a lasting effect on their child.

One mother wrote about how frightened she was for her unborn baby when the ultrasound showed a "low normal" reading of her amniotic fluid. Another mother-to-be was told that one of her baby's kidneys was (although within normal range) slightly larger than the other. Both babies were born completely normal but their mothers started their parenting journeys "on-alert". Before their babies were even born, these poor moms spent countless hours on the internet researching all of the potential problems that their babies could face.

Parents choose to use parenting tools, parenting aids, parenting coaches, family counselors and parenting books because they feel enormously committed to and responsible for raising the next generation of adults and fearful that they could make a terrible mistake and hurt the precious life to whom they are responsible.

With the advent of the informational-technology age, parents have been barraged with parenting content. Many well informed parents, parent self-consciously and without confidence, worried that any slip-up will do irrevocable damage to their kids. One mother in the survey, apologized repeatedly to her child after yelling at him to stop hitting the dog with a toy, she wrote that she was very worried that she had broken her son's trust in her.

Do parents have cause for alarm? If a kind and caring parent makes some parenting missteps will the child suffer irreparable harm?

One father answers with insight, "As parents we have to have faith that our child rearing instincts are right on. Will we make parenting mistakes? Of course, but our children are resilient and will be fine."

Contrary to what the radio personality believes, it is not a bad thing for parents to use the resources that are available to them. From behavioral products and parenting aids, to parenting coaches and parenting websites, there are terrific resources available to support parents in their goal to raise great people.

Parents should not let the large amounts of parenting information intimidate them. While some information can be helpful and empowering, too much information can be scary and can take the joy out of parenting.

Resources like parenting coaches should be used as a support not a crutch that usurps their own ideas and parenting styles. Similarly parents should remember that these resources are aids and should not be used to replace time parenting. Parents should listen to their internal voice and be confident that the decisions that they make will most likely be good ones and that parenting with love and intellect will help them in their quest to raise kind and caring adults.


Real Also About Three Parenting Style
Real Also About Parental Alienation
Real Also About Parenting Resource
Real Also About Positive Parenting Plan
Real Also About Parenting : Discipline

Three Basic Parenting Styles

By Joseph Then

Parenting is something that usually comes naturally to people. There are no hard fast how to manuals or rules to parenting. People generally just learn as they go. Most things are just second nature, like feeding, clothing and generally caring for a child. However, as a child grows and other children are born, parenting becomes more then simply handling the child's everyday needs. Sometimes parents feel they need some help in deciding the best way to parent their children.

There have been many people who have spoken out about parenting and offered advice and assistance to parents in need. Parenting styles are an example of something a parent can do to help them with their parenting. A parenting style is basically a way to describe how a parent parents their child or children. There are 3 basic types of parenting styles.

Some authorities on the subject of parenting will argue that there are many different variations of parenting styles, but they all go back to the three basic parenting styles. Those three styles are authoritarian, permissive and democratic.

The authoritarian parenting style is based on control. With this style of parenting the parent retains complete control at all times. Under this style of parenting there are strict rules and schedules. The parents rule the children with an iron fist. There is no exception to the rules and punishment is given in a very orderly and prompt fashion when it is needed. The down side to an authoritarian parenting style is that it usually does not allow for a lot of affection or warmth. Since children raised with this parenting style are usually not allowed to think freely or make decisions on their own they often grow up to have problems with thinking for themselves.

The permissive parenting style is the opposite of the authoritarian parenting style. The permissive parent lets the child have control. There are usually not a lot of rules and the rules that are made are often very lax. Broken rules often are not even recognized or even enforced. Parents that use this parenting style feel that their children need to be free thinkers and be able to explore the world and learn for themselves without being held down by rules and strict structure. There is often a lot of affection and warmth with this parenting styles. The downside though, is that children do not learn that rules are sometimes necessary. They learn that no matter what they do - right or wrong- that they will not be punished. This can lead to a life long rebellion against any type of rule or structure.

The democratic parenting style is a mixture of the authoritarian and permissive parenting styles. A democratic parent will set rules that are necessary and enforce them, but they will also take each situation as it comes. Punishment is usually discussed with the child. Democratic parents are most interested in making sure their children understands why rules are in place and why some behavior in unacceptable. Democratic parenting is about letting children know when they do good and when they do bad making sure they understand why it is wrong. It is a style of parenting where everyone - parents and children- work together. Children will usually grow up to respect their parents and to be able to handle conflicts and problems in a reasonable manner.

Each parenting style has its pros and cons. Obviously, with the authoritarian parenting style the children are going to be very respectful and very well behaved. The parents will have very little chaos and they will have a low stress level. With the permissive parenting style the parent is free to do whatever they want because they are not constantly policing the children. The family simply does their own thing, which can often lead to a lot of separation over time as everyone develops their own life apart form the family. The democratic parent in style requires a lot of work. Parents must constantly be talking with and dealing with their children in order to keep everyone involved in the family.

Nobody ever claimed parenting was easy. There really is no right or wrong to parent as long as children are cared for, happy and healthy. Parents can choose for themselves how they want to parent their children. Some parents simply fall into a parenting style that seems to fit their own life and their own beliefs. Others make a conscious effort to maintain a parenting style. However, a parent chooses their parent style, it is fine as long as it works for them and their children are taken care of.


Real Also About Parental Alienation
Real Also About Parenting Resource
Real Also About Positive Parenting Plan
Real Also About Parenting : Discipline

Parental Alienation

A Real Threat in Child Custody Disputes!

By Christoph Hickory


There is a very real threat that is associated with a child custody battle that has turned ugly. Fortunately, this is not always associated with a custody dispute, but when it is, things can turn bad very quickly. I am referring to parental alienation and it is actually considered to be a psychological syndrome, often referred to as PAS. It occurs when a vengeful parent directly induces negative thoughts in a child about the other parent. Psychologically, this is considered to be brainwashing, which is in fact a form of emotional abuse. It can occur several different ways, but it almost always has the same outcome. The child begins to vilify the other parent and blames them for the many problems that arise from a divorce and child custody dispute.

PAS can occur when the PAS-inducing parent passes their thoughts and actions onto the child to the point that the child begins to view the other parent as the enemy. It is sometimes hard to distinguish whether the child is just mimicking the words of the PAS-inducing parent or if he or she truly believes what they are saying. If the child is only picking up on words that they don't truly understand, and are just repeating what mom or dad has said, then there is a chance that PAS is not the case. But if the child says or does things on their own, like refuses to talk to the other parent or gets upset/angry at them for no reason then PAS may be a real possibility.

There are actually three stages of PAS. During the first stage or mild form, things are not so obvious. Contact between the child and the other parent has not necessarily changed but subtle changes in the child's actions are noticed. For instance, the child may be become distressed during a transition from the PAS-inducing parent to the other parent. In this stage the PAS-inducing parent does several indirect things that they may or may not know is having an influence on the child. For instance, they don't show much concern about whether or not the child has contact with the other parent, they place little value on the child's indirect contact (ie phone calls) between direct contact (ie visitations), and/or they aren't aware of the distress a child may feel when they don't get indirect or direct contact with the other parent. Basically put the PAS-inducing parent places little importance on the child's contact with the other parent, and eventually the child begins to pick up on these feelings as well.

In the second stage, or moderate form, of PAS the child is being directly programmed against the other parent. A good indication of this stage is when the child is visibly upset and anxious during the time of transition from the PAS-inducing parent to the other parent. These feelings tend to pass rather quickly once the child is away from the PAS-inducing parent and is able to relax. Another example is when the child views the other parent's relatives as being relatively unimportant to them. In this the stage the PAS-inducing parent is more actively placing a strain on the child's relationship with the other parent. This can include refusing to communicate with the other parent, allowing the child (no matter what age) to decide whether or not they want to make contact with the other parent, and/or making deliberate negative statements about the other parent in the presence of the child. The strain caused by the PAS-inducing parent causes the child to form separate worlds with each parent.

In the the third stage, or severe form, of PAS the damage to the relationship between the child and the other parent has already been done. In fact, the PAS-inducing parent no longer has to actively disrupt the relationship, as the child has already formed a highly negative image of the other parent and he or she often acts on their own. Unfortunately, because of the very nature of the problem the PAS-inducing parent often reinforces the feelings that the child has about the other parent and will go to great lengths to see that the child has no relationship with the other parent. Unfortunately, they will often claim that they are only conveying the wishes of the child, which in its own right strengthens the relationship between the PAS-inducing parent and the child. In this stage, the child's feelings towards the other parent are no longer in question. They display a great hatred towards the other parent and will go to great lengths to avoid all contact with them. This includes overly dramatic actions that will include threatening to run away, making false allegations of abuse, or even threatening suicide. The child will always take the view of the PAS-inducing parent, even if it is completely irrational and/or untrue. The child also has a hard time differentiating what actually happens with the other parent and what the PAS-inducing parent tells them what happened. The child shows absolutely no guilt or remorse about their hatred towards the other parent, and often extends his or her feelings towards the other parent's relatives. The child can be perfectly normal until asked about the other parent at which point her or she will vehemently display their hatred towards the other parent. Unfortunately, by this point the bond between the child and PAS-inducing parent is strengthened simply because they share the same views about the other parent.

It is a very stressful, sad situation when a child displays so much hatred towards a parent just because of the views instilled on them by the vengeful PAS-inducing parent. This is a type of hatred that cannot be learned, it has to be taught , much in the same way as racism is.

I have a fear myself that this very scenario is happening between my wife and her daughter. I have watched as their relationship has been strained simply because of the actions of her ex-husband. Even though I have a small role in the situation, I am compelled to help my wife sustain the relationship that she has with her daughter. Mainly because it kills me to see her crying some nights because of the things that her 5-year old daughter says to her, or even worse when she is "too busy" to talk to her. Things that can only be taught to her by her father. I have taken up my own mission to learn everything that I can about this type of situation, and everything else that we have been going through during this custody battle. I have relied heavily on what is probably the best resource on child custody issues anywhere on the internet [http://www.bestsite4reviews.com/childcstdy]. It's a library that covers every type of topic on child custody imaginable. Not having any children myself, it has helped to understand what my wife is going through and made it easier for me to help her, and to explain what I am seeing and hearing to her lawyer so that he can put a stop to it before things get to the point of no return.


Real Also About Parenting Resource
Real Also About Positive Parenting Plan
Real Also About Parenting : Discipline

Parenting Resource

Where to Look for the Perfect Parenting Resource

By Veronica Fisher


All parents need a good parenting resource of their own. Since parenting is such a tough occupation a parenting resource can help make things easier for any parent. How and where can a parent find a relevant parenting resource? There is no one sure and perfect parenting resource for everyone. A parent may have to determine for himself/herself which parenting resource is helpful and applicable. There are however specific areas where one can get a parenting resource. You can get your parenting resource from the following:

The Book and Video Haven

Any place where they sell or lend a vast selection of books and videos may be a parenting resource. You can go around looking for a bestseller parenting resource or something created by experts in the field of parenting and psychology to get a good parenting resource. Surprisingly, an experiential parenting resource account or even fictional stories of parenting may be useful parenting resource for the discriminating parent.

Comprehensive Sites and Links

Not surprisingly, the internet can have every kind of parenting resource imaginable. You have the option of checking out sites that will provide you with a comprehensive parenting resource section or one that will provide you with specific parenting resource information. You can also check link or .net sites if you want to have a brief overview of some other sites that may be good places for a parenting resource.

Message Boards and Others

You may prefer a parenting resource that's highly practical and that comes from people who have actually experienced parenting. You can use parents' forums and message boards as your parenting resource. In this kind of parenting resource you can swap stories and practical tips and information. A lot of parents may warm up to this kind of parenting resource because it is conversational, light and a fun way to go about talking about parenting.

Formal Classes and Support Groups

A clear and structured parenting resource may come from such formal areas as parenting courses and support groups. This type of
parenting resource will surely offer highly professional pieces of information. There is no doubt that if you enroll in a parenting resource class, you will get a load of theories and actual practice accounts from trained professionals in the field of parenting. Support groups can also offer parenting resource that may be both categorized as formal expert quality and personally supportive and uplifting in nature.

People You Know

A practical parenting resource source would be people you actually know. Your own parents, family, friends and colleagues may each be a parenting resource. Ask these live, actual parenting resource people what they can share based on what they know and their experience. This may be the cheapest and best parenting resource you can ever have.

However and wherever you choose to get your parenting resource make sure that your parenting resource is applicable to you and your family. Remember, not all families are the same.



Real Also About Positive Parenting Plan
Real Also About Parenting : Discipline

Positive Parenting Plans

By Dore Frances

And for those with adolescents and teens in Behavior Modification or Boarding Schools

A Parent Coordinator is an impartial third party available to assist parents in resolving issues relating to parenting and other family issues prior to their child moving on to their next program or school after wilderness, or prior to graduation or returning home from their residential program. The assist with:
# Clarifying priorities prior to returning home or moving on to their next program or school

# Developing a parenting plan that meets the needs of the child and the parents

# Exploring possibilities for problem solving

# Developing methods of collaboration in parenting

# Identifying disputed issues

# Reducing misunderstandings

This situation is different than when we are Parenting Coordinator's assigned by the court. In this situation the goal is not to modify any order, judgment or decree of the court. At times parents decide to divorce just prior to, or while their child is attending their residential treatment program or school. One way to help children through this early stage is have the assistance of a Parenting Coordinator to openly discuss what is happening in the family. In some cases, it makes more sense for children to hear about the decision to separate from both parents who have additional support. If this is the case, the Parent Coordinator makes sure that they works with your child's therapist. They repeatedly tell your child that both parents will always love them and that you will always be a family. The difference will be that when they return there will be two households. This is where a Parenting Plan can assist.

The Parenting Plan addresses any concerns the child may have like the need to maintain a relationship with both parents. It is very important that your children understand their relationship with both parents is forever and that they will never be abandoned. The Parent Coordinator can help explain that a divorce does not end your child's relationship with either parent. The marriage may end, however, the parent-child relationship will continue Generally, for a child in a youth program or boarding school, short, clear explanations are best. Remember they do not have to understand everything all at once.

Their understanding of your divorce will evolve as they get older and will change with their age. It is also a benefit that we will be able to work with their therapist in their behavior modification program or boarding school which means they will receive additional support. Another important message for kids to hear is that in no way is the divorce their fault, nor are they able to keep you together. When the idea of parents separating is completely new to your child, reinforce to them that you will make every effort to keep things stable for them. At the same time, let them know about upcoming changes. Remember children will ask the same questions repeatedly. This is normal and is their way of gaining a sense of security and reassurance about the future. It is important to keep your answers simple and consistent.

It is very important that both parents reinforce that the separation/divorce is taking place because of differences between the parents. Working with your child's therapist in their program helps you conduct such conversations without damaging or disparaging remarks about the other parent. Children adjust more easily when parents show a healthy sense of respect and caring for the other parent despite difficult circumstances. Co-parenting responsibilities apply to all parents whether they are married or divorced.

The extent that parents can effectively co-parent their children greatly determines how children will adjust after returning home from their emotional growth program or school. Parents who have a child returning home after graduation or completion of their program will now have to start dealing with more day-to-day issues concerning their child's welfare. Decisions, like those concerning religion, discipline, finances, morality, recreation, physical health, education and emergencies need to be discussed prior to their coming home. These decisions need to be discussed and made jointly. Remember that married parents often have differing ideas about all or some of these issues. This is to be expected. There is no reason to assume that divorced parents should always agree on them either. What's important is how you deal with differences, not that they exist. It is better for parents to agree to disagree and practice compromising than to argue and fight endlessly for their own way. This, however, is often easier said than done.

Parents who chose their battles and cooperate when there are differences are more likely to make healthy decisions for their children. In fact, nurturing an overall spirit of cooperation is more important than parents agreeing on any one particular issue. Also, parents who acknowledge and effectively deal with their own difficult feelings usually have an easier time. On the other hand, recurrent arguments between parents make life difficult for children and parents alike. When parents fight for their own agenda and neglect creating a peaceful environment, their children may develop bitter feelings and have difficulties later in life with their own intimate relationships. Remembering to relate maturely and with a healthy sense of respect for the other parent (even in the face of great differences and in some cases bad feelings) is the challenge for every parent. Fostering such an environment teaches children much about love, life, change, and family relationships. Being in a family style program or outdoor school brings about many changes in the lives of both parents and children. One change for children may be in their immediate support network. This might mean a loss of friendships and school ties. Some parents move to a new community before their child returns home. This move might also include changing relationships with extended family members. To minimize stress on your children and ultimately yourself, work to keep your lifestyle close to what it was prior to your child being in their residential program or school.

When possible, keep friends, family, school, and other community support systems stable. When changes are necessary, make sure you give your children ample notice about them and discuss them with your child's therapist while still in their program. The more comfortable parents are with such changes the more comfortable their children will be. In the days just after your child returns home from their youth program, or wilderness program there is usually an adjustment period that can last for several weeks and oftentimes several months. During this time, people are adjusting to new routines, schedules, and living situations. It may take time for life to seem normal again. Don't worry, eventually it will. Some kids are open about their feelings and the associated changes they experience. Others will be less vocal.

Make room for whatever your children are experiencing. It is a mistake to believe kids must talk about their feelings. Sample Checklist for a stable home environment after your child returns home from their program:
# Avoid too frequent changeovers between homes if this is a two household family.

# Be nurturing, supportive, and available.

# Create routines and schedules.

# Develop a firm parenting schedule that provides frequent and regular contact with the nonresident parent.

# Do not burden children with adult responsibilities.

# Do not rely on children to be your confidants or companions.

# End parental conflict, at least within the child's earshot.

# Provide clear rules and limits and be consistent

# Support children's relationships with their other parent and that parent's extended family.

# Seek out other sources of social support for your children.

A well-thought-out and executed parenting plan is an important tool for ensuring the health and well being of your children. A good parenting plan will outline how you will perform co-parenting responsibilities.

It also details how you will handle activities of daily living and caring for your kids. The parenting plan is a living document that must evolve with the needs of your growing children. Therefore, you do not have to include every potential situation you may encounter in the parenting plan. However, it must be revisited regularly to make sure it meets the needs of your family. Children are our most precious resource.

We must protect them from undue hurt and turmoil.


Real Also About Parenting : Discipline